If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i've created a new STD.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
