Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
