My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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