i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
