Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
