oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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