He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
