you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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