The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
