i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
