I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
