He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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