Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
