Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Also, beer. Big fan.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
