these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
