Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
