It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
