it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
