Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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