I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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