just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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