if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
