Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
