Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
