Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the day after is always just damage control
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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