i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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