eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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