Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
