I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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