He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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