There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
