Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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