The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In other news, I just burned my penis
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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