I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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