We need to rekindle our bromance
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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