He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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