Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
