this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
