you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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