I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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