even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
