New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
love makes seman taste better
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
