Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
