The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
