He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
