Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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