A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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