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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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