so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
