pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
